When Marnie Wraith looked at her relationship and asked herself if good enough was enough for her, she knew she needed a change.
“I needed a recalibration of my life based just on my needs,” she told The Current host Matt Galloway.
Wraith and her common-law partner met when she was 50, a few years after her first divorce. They bought a house in Meaford, Ont., and spent their free time travelling. She says they had a good eight years together, but she felt there was more life to experience.
“I was coasting and I felt that I wasn’t growing, and being almost 60, there were still more meaningful connections and adventures in life that I wasn’t going to get in my situation,” she said.
Wraith’s breakup is what some call a “grey divorce”, when people aged 50 and over split. Canada’s divorce rate hit a 50-year low in 2020 but the rate of grey divorces has been rising for decades, according to Statistics Canada.
Data shows the average age of the married population is increasing because younger Canadians are choosing common-law unions instead of marriage. The average age of the general population is also aging.
In 1986, the average age people got married was around 25, with marriages lasting for nearly 13 years on average. In 2020, the average couple got married around 31 and stayed together almost 15 years.
“As we live longer, you’re gonna see a lot more divorces later in life,” says Toronto-based lawyer Jared Grossman.
Grossman, of Grossman Family Law, says grey divorces will continue to increase over time, because people have less responsibilities to deal with — like school-aged kids or jobs — when they’re older.
“When the kids leave the house, you have the ability to be a little bit more selfish and really have that look inside of you and see what you really wanna do with life,” Grossman said.
Grossman reminds clients that staying in an unhappy relationship is never worth it. Despite the chance to make different choices after a relationship ends, Grossman says that transition could be difficult.
“Anxiety, fear, I think that’s what really stamps a grey divorce,” Grossman said.
People tend to feel less sure of themselves as they age, says Andrew Sofin, president of the Canadian Association for Couple and Family Therapy.
Sofin says some older adults start to consider divorce after the death of a loved one because they start thinking about their mortality. He says some couples had very happy marriages and families, but find themselves in a relationship that feels different after kids move out and careers end.
Issues like depression or alcoholism can creep into people’s lives and lead couples to blame each other, Sofin adds.
“This is stuff that’s been piling up like grains of sand, usually for decades,” said Sofin, who has been a couples therapist for over 30 years.
Sofin says many couples are preoccupied by the demands of their family or their careers. When those demands ease and they have time to reassess, some choose to break up to find their own happiness in their remaining years.
He says one of the biggest changes he’s noticed is the increase in issues related to the cost of living.
And sorting out the financial terms of a separation can complicate a grey divorce. For example, Wraith had to buy her former partner out of their mortgage.
Grossman says it’s often challenging to determine the current value of assets purchased years ago, but the biggest issue he faces working on grey divorce cases is spousal support.
“You’re going to have people separating who’ve been together 30, 40 years and they’ve been relying on one income. When they separate, that income may not be there, specifically if you’re dealing with retirement,” Grossman said.
Sofin says women tend not to seek another marriage post-divorce, whereas men will, especially if they have money. He says in the wake of a grey divorce, many women’s main concern is financial security and stability.
“They’ll say, ‘Well, that’s it. I’m alone now. I don’t want to put weight on my children or siblings,'” he said.
Instead, Sofin says some women create groups of friends and other divorcees that travel or live together. Sofin says people are often nervous about pursuing what they really want, especially women who’ve been socialized to put others’ needs ahead of their own.
He argues that men are more likely to say, “I’m not happy. I want something different.” But when women do, they’re called selfish.
Adam Terpstra, psychotherapist and clinical director of Yukon Counselling and Psychotherapy, says what’s often labelled as selfishness is really a shift toward self-prioritization. Terpstra says this is healthy and rejects the notion that it’s selfish.
“Because of the pejorative nature of the word selfish or selfishness, it doesn’t accurately reflect the strength that it takes to centre your emotional truth,” he said.
“I encourage patients to reframe this as cultivating or pursuing more clarity, more self-compassion, more self-respect, rather than having some moral failure.”
Terpstra says this mental reframing is a lot of work and can be uncomfortable, but it can also be incredibly rewarding.
“I’d encourage people to view that fear not as a stop sign, but as an invitation,” he said.
Wraith now has a campervan she’s proud she can operate alone, and plans to do more solo travel. She’s mindful of stigma and limiting beliefs around divorce and says she feels like her life has more meaning now.
Wraith’s advice to anyone who feels like they’re missing out on opportunities is to act like a teenager who has more time than responsibilities, but more grey hair.
“Try to take that warning tape off and proceed with your dreams. This is the time of life where you can,” said Wraith.
